Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Some developmental changes in the life of women are such that during those phases, taking care of their own self seems to be the last priority in life. A common few of these phases are child delivery and child rearing years and then the years of menopause. Owing to today’s emotionally complex life, lets develop a quick understanding of how it affects our self care.

When we women talk about caring, we start thinking about physical care and we also stop at that. But care, in actuality should be our physical, emotional and spiritual care and growth. All these aspects are interrelated and inter dependent and when addressed together have a holistic effect. This desired equilibrium is hindered by many challenges. One of the biggest challenges is our own self-talk.

For example,

1. Is looking good more important than taking care of my baby?
2. Will it look good if I spend on myself when I have stopped earning and the only job I do is nurturing my child?
3. I am totally changed….I have stopped reading books, applying oil to my feet, sip a cup of coffee quietly in one corner, chatting with my friends on the phone, going out for a movie……
4. Menopause means turning old!!! Will it not seem immature if I pay too much attention to my physical appearance?
5. I get no time to look after myself.

These and many similar sentences are those that we keep saying to ourselves. Even we don’t realize, when they start piling into strong thinking processes and then also faulty values. How? Simple!

Once we start on such tracks of belittling or trivialising our own care, we start looking at others who successfully take care of themselves with a jaundiced eye; sometimes we also start labelling them as selfish, having too much money, a bloated ego, immature, etc. In case of some women, this self-trivialising takes such a big grip of them that it finally becomes a hardened value that helps them to glorify their non self caring behaviour as sacrifice and every woman who outwardly doesn’t seem to go through this self reproach is seen as selfish.

Though all the above examples speak about physical appearance, a slightly perceptive mind will know that the concerns point towards emotional confusions and a clouded spiritual perspective of life. Then there is a quarrel between me and all other aspects of life and whoever wins, that ‘I’ is the loser.

If we challenge statements like these with enough reality check, the embedded irrationalities might come to the fore and a serious, heavy mood can easily change into light humour and sunshine.

For example:

1. What is the relationship between my want of looking good and my want of taking care of my child?

2. Nurturing a child is serious work. It is a boon that I should be proud of and not a crime that I must be punished for. I have every right to enjoy all my rights and privileges that I was enjoying before my child was born. If economizing is needed then both my family members and I have to do it together.

3. Will I not get the time to do even one thing that I enjoy doing? Is it not too much of an exaggeration of my plight?

4. Every human being has to take care of himself/herself till he dies and I better take care of myself today so that others are not compelled to take care of me tomorrow (both physically and emotionally).

5. What rubbish? Do I take the whole day to tell myself once a day that ‘I love myself’?

We need to recognize and raise the bar of our bare minimum self care that will assuredly keep us physically and emotionally healthy. Then we must scrutinize those self-pitying or other-blaming irrational thoughts that hinder this and should be courageous enough to throw them in the dust-bin.

(This article appeared in Saundarya Calendar in Marathi)

© Suchitra Inamdar